Does anyone use BitTorrent?
It's been forEVER since I've downloaded, and I have been told of two different sites to get things from: BitTorrent and Soulseek.
So far either I'm completely retarded or stupid or... well, probably both.
Suggestions on how to work the software? I used to use Napster years and years ago and it was so straightforward...

i just want it to stop.

Wikipedia's answers for 'Jennifer'

Jennifer - Given Name


What does your name say?

my Infected Mushroom tickets arrived yesterday. Hurray!

Newton + laser pointer + wood floors = total craziness, sore noses and kitties sliding everywhere.

I have three weeks off at Christmas. Someone coming from Europe to visit, my Dad is back in town from Ontario, friends coming from Vancouver and my sister should be having her baby sometime around the 15th of December. It's going to be so good.

Then hopefully another week off at the end of February / beginning of March for a ski trip.

Methinks I need to win some sort of lottery.

Aryan pride people can kiss my ass. I'm proud to be Scottish and Irish... not that it's helped my alcohol tolerance any... haha... but to be so proud you're white you hate all other races is beyond me. Intolerance and hate like that just doesn't make sense to me.

today i just had this feeling that i was still fucking up my life. or a relationship. or my future. or something.

i don't know what it was. i don't always trust my instincts anymore. lately they haven't gotten me anywhere... or i'm becoming someone who is starting not to care. or care too much. i'm supposed to be starting a 'new and improved' jenn, and i don't think i'm doing a good job. if anything i'm grasping at more neurosis than before, all because of what's happened throughout my life, especially in the last year. or i'm just seeing things that aren't there. over-analyzing.

or maybe it was a shitty monday. i wasn't feeling too well today. maybe it was a 'non-migriane' chinook feeling or something. perhaps just a crazy, crappy monday with not enough sleep, too much work and coffee.

i had a rape dream last night. i hate those. especially when it involves Woody Harrelson. my dreams are very vivid. perhaps that wasn't a good start to the day. And what an odd plot for my first dream of Woody to turn out.



"To mature means to take responsibility for your life, to be on your own. Psychoanalysis fosters the infantile state by considering that the past is responsible for the illness." ~Fritz Perls

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." ~Author Unknown

"People who do not understand themselves have a craving for understanding." ~Wilhelm Stekel

"Mehwowww" ~Newton

"You left, and my heart is a ceaseless sermon of loneliness." ~Jaesse Tyler

http://www.spin.com/articles/new-puscifer-album-due-november

i can't find the albums anywhere, they're all sold out of their stuff.
i guess soulseek might be the way to go.....

shopping for yourself isn't as exciting when you're buying sheets sets, towels and pillows.
i needed new stuff anyways. plus i decided i need to make some changes to make the flat more 'me alone' and less of something from the past. if only i had more money. i'd be buying a lot more artwork and other things.

woo.

i bought one or two christmas prezzies too.

if only i could just go out and 'buy' my poppy tattoo. grrrr.

I became obsessed with military history as a kid. I had heard a story told to me by my father about his grandfather, Bernard Woodruff. He fought in the battles of Ypres in 1915 in Belgium. In the infamous Flanders Fields.

He lived in the trenches. There was a German Sniper in the trees, not far from their position. Bernard and some other men were called to find the sniper and kill him.

They set out quietly towards the trees through No Man's Land. They hid behind a large rock, or a wall, perhaps. Bernard went first beyond their shelter to creep up to the next hiding spot, but he was shot. I cannot remember exactly where he was shot, however I always thought he was shot in the shoulder.

The other men took off back to the trenches. The sniper shot and killed the rest of them.

My Great-Grandfather was still alive.

There were so many dead bodies in No Man's Land, that he was able to very slowly, very carefully, inch his way back to the Canadian trench. It took him hours and hours, but since he lay amidst scores of dead and bloated and decomposing bodies of those who had fallen before him, the Sniper took no notice that he was moving back to safety. He lived to an old age of 99.

There is only one remaining Canadian alive from WWI. He lives in Seattle.

My Father's Father was in training to be a Bomber Pilot when WWII ended in 1945. He was greatly disappointed that he didn't see any action, but quickly realized how lucky he was. The scores of men who died in the air force, and the thousands and thousands of German Civilians who were killed in the firestorms and explosions would have laid heavily on his conscience. My Mother's Father flew a Mosquito in WWII, however I was a small child when he died, and I wasn't able to ask anything about his experiences, if he would have talked at all.

I read my first book on Ypres when I was a kid, thinking that since my Great-Grandfather was in Ypres, obviously he would be mentioned in it. He wasn't, so I got another book. And another, and another. Soon I was also looking through my Grandfather's Time Life books on WWII, looking at the horrible pictures of what took place in those years not too long ago. One could say I might have been a tad morbid, but I was fascinated.

I have books written now on everything and every time frame from when War was fought with spears to Rwanda, Yugoslavia, Iraq... But my passion still remains with the Canadians in WWI, and WWII. I never missed a University Class on Strategic Studies and Warfare. I need to see Normandy and Ypres and Germany and the death camps before I die. It's something I have to do. I want to go to Cambodia, to Rwanda... but I know that won't necessarily be possible. Perhaps I want to experience as much as I can. I never want to experience what any of them went through, but I have a duty and a passion so great that I can't seem to help it. I still want to get Poppies tattooed on my arm. Hopefully I'll be able to do that one day soon. War shaped the world we live in. All of it. How can we ignore it?

I never saw my Great-Grandfather's name in any book. But I found his name and his WWI Registration on microfiche in the Ottawa War Museum. That was pretty amazing.

I'm going to be an Auntie soon.
It makes me really happy and sad all at the same time.
My younger sister is going to have a baby, and she looks so happy. So does her partner. He looks over the moon every time the topic comes up. She looks so radiant and beautiful and amazing.
I've never really had the burning desire for kids, but it's been talked about. I've never had that weird urge that other women have.
And then the serious decision was made to maybe try in 2010. And then it was taken away.
I could be an Auntie twice in 3 months, but I won't be an Auntie to one baby soon, I guess. I don't even know if I'll ever meet the little bundle. That makes me very sad.

Anyways, my sister looks like she's about to pop, and it's getting to be very exciting. One month left.

I think I'm going to spoil the kid rotten, maybe teach it their first swear words and how to eat dirt. Rock them to sleep. Buy them sock monkeys and ugly dolls and silly toys. Do finger painting. Jump in the autumn leaves. Tell it embarrassing stories about it's parents. Make up stories about the world. Talk to them about dinosaurs and space aliens and bugs. Dye their hair purple. Get them to listen to Tool and Skinny Puppy and Haujobb. Buy their first beer at age 18. Convince them to eat meat :)

I think one of the most fun times I've had lately is going shopping with my sister for Maternity dresses. And shopping for baby things, like blankets and stuffed animals and sleepers.

It's just a strange feeling. It's going to be an interesting next few months. All I know is when the kid pops out I'm probably going to cry like a baby. For a few reasons, I'm sure.

If they dropped the bomb
Would you love me then
If I was wrong
Would it be okay
Well I can see holes in everyone
A change of season

If I found a way
To make amends
Would you say I was too late
Well I can find
The holes on anyone
A change of season
A change of season

I feel like I'm losing for money
I feel like I'm losing for free
I feel older than the dead angel on my shoulder claims to be

I feel like we're drinking and driving
I feel like we're running into walls
I feel like swimming in your apathy
You know I'd love to be your conscience when it calls

If they made me crawl
Would you love me then
If I was small
Would it be okay
Well I can see
The need in everyone
A change of season
A change of season

I feel like I'm losing for money
I feel like I'm losing for free
I feel older than the dead angel on my shoulder claims to be

I feel like we're drinking and driving
I feel like we're running into walls
I feel like swimming in your apathy as a kind of parody
For miles and miles, miles

I feel like somebody's missing
I feel like somebody's missing
I think somebody's missing

***

I'm going to a birthday tonight. The husband of the woman who just had Breast Cancer surgery and lost both her breasts. It will be good to see them again.

i thought this guy was kinda funny

Ok, people. I know it's been overblown a bit. H1N1, Swine Flu, Bacon Flu, (Hamthrax hahaha) whatever you want to call it. Some people think it's just a regular lame sickness. Other people are calling ambulances thinking they're going to die when they develop a cough.

You're both wrong, really.

We need to keep deadly flues under control. This is why there is such a flurry of activity with this H1N1. Yes, flues kill people every year. This one is different. It has already mutated once, I believe, and it is HIGHLY contagious, more than other flues. More people have died this year from the H1N1 than the other flues. I don't have numbers to back me up at the moment and I don't want to pull numbers out of my hazy memory, but this is what I have been told. If it's under control, then less people will die. It's really that simple. It's a respiratory flu. You want it under control.

I work in a hospital. I also have the knowledge that the ICU in the hospital I work in is FILLED with H1N1 patients. People who are otherwise healthy. Young people in drug-induced comas so their lungs can get vacuumed out. Healthy people with flu-induced pheumonia. O2 respirators. It is unusual for healthy people to become this sick, especially in developed countries with good heath care, good water, sanitized everything. Sure, if it was just the elderly and those with asthma etc it would be more normal. It's 20 year olds, 40 year olds and 80 year olds, and some people only get a cough, others have to be hospitalized with no rhyme or reason. It didn't hit Australia and New Zealand as bad as it could, which is good, during their flu season. That's what we're aiming for.

Once the ICU fills up, the patients will go to the CCU next. And where to the Cardiac Care patients go? To the step down units. This is how the whole "pandemic alarm system" works. Once the hospitals are filled with flu patients and cannot help other patients, there's issues. The Calgary area has the MOST H1N1 patients in hospitals.

I'm not telling people to freak out, and I'm not telling people to relax, and if you don't get the shot then that's your thing. I'm getting tired of people saying, "oh whatever i don't care blablabla I don't give a shit, this is all stupid paranoia crap" on the radios, on the street, etc. It's not like H1N1 Zombies are coming and we're all going to die in a post-swine-flu-apocalypse, but just know that the health officials don't just freak out over nothing. Do you want 9/10 of the city sick with the flu? God, that would be disgusting. Especially one that can kill at random in a 1st world country? I'm not looking for people to argue with me. I'm just trying to give some perspective. We want it under control.

I can hear the tick of a clock
Too close to my head
It's giving me a headache
To think of how
Of all the tick-tocks I've ever heard
Only one second counted
Now didn't it
Once long ago
It was like an atom bomb went off in my house
And everybody left
I wish I were a superhero like the X-Men in the comics
'Cause maybe then I could have withstood the blast
But I shattered like an ordinary sheet of glass
And there's not enough superglue in the world
How long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again
How long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again
Well I wish I were just like the T1000 in Terminator 2
'Cause he could melt back together again
Even after Schwarzenegger blew him to bits
Yeah he was mean, but he knew exactly who he was
Oh and incidentally, so did that guy Keyzer Soze in Usual Suspects
But he had to blow his whole family away
How long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again
How long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again
I wish I could lie
I wish I didn't care
I wish I could lie just like that guy, I
Wish I could lie
I wish I didn't care
I wish I could lie just like that guy, I
Wish I could lie
I wish I didn't care
I wish I could lie just like that guy, I
Wish I could lie
I wish I didn't care
I wish I could lie just like that guy
I can hear the tick of that clock, still close to my head
Maybe if I couldn't hear the seconds pass, I wouldn't have to ask...
Oh, how long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again.
How long...
How long...
How long 'til I feel whole again.
How long..........How long

So. I went to a great party on Friday night, all dressed up as dead Marie Antoinette. The slit tattoo is STILL on my neck... so I might be wearing a turtle neck to work tomorrow. It was mistressse7en 's birthday and it was a good time. Saw lots of my peeps there too.  More photos on Facebook, if you're my friend on there.  Sadly I don't have a picture of my entire costume, but mistressse7en does on her facebook.  It all went together really well.

I had a bad reaction though... not sure if it was alcohol poisoning with a hangover, a combo of things, add on a headache and the H1N1 flu shot.... I've been told it's probably poisoning with a few bonuses.

I was throwing up every 20 minutes (like clockwork) yesterday from 5:30am to about 10am. Then I was sick every hour until about 4pm. Needless to say, I didn't get out on Halloween Night last night. Which really pissed me off, because i was REALLY REALLY looking forward to running around downtown and 17th ave in my wedding dress and my Marie Antoinette wig.

I was so sick that I slept on the bathroom floor with a pillow. I think I threw up stomach lining... I won't get into details on WHY i think that, you don't need that good of a visual.

I have bruises on my knees from kneeling over the toilet. My throat hurts. My whole body hurts today.

I didn't even have THAT much to drink. Well, I was drunk, but maybe I drank too quickly.  I dunno.  I have never been so sick in my life.  I honestly wanted to die.

John tex'd me asking how the party was, and I told him this, and he told me to get my ass to the hospital. Of course, I couldn't drive, so I just waited it out at home.

My dad's girlfriend had the swine flu, the doctors think. She gave it to him. I hung out with him before I had that wretched cough/fever... Dad thinks he gave it to me. So I'm a bundle of awesomeness lately.

it looks like i'm now not going to England in November.
that really fucking sucks. i've really been looking forward to it.
and i really just have to get the fuck out of here.
it looks like my friend won't be able to get the time off.
it's now pretty much too late for me to book anytime off and ensure someone can cover me.
it's hard to stay positive when you can't count on the universe!
i know there will be other opportunities. i'm already thinking about them.
they're just soooooo far away.
perhaps i shouldn't be surprised.

Anyhoohoo.

Has anyone ever booked a nice CABIN in Canmore, Banff or Jasper in the winter?

This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that spanish doll

(sweet spanish sweet spanish... doll)

I went down to the alley way
(sierra la bonita)
And found that you were gone
Spanish doll: si nunca tes fueres (if you had never left)
You left no word no message
I still dont know what went wrong
Spanish doll: la grima (tears)
But now no matter where I go
I always seem to return
Spanish doll: busca me (find me)
To where you left me tattered and torn
Spanish doll: you so rompido mi muneca (I am torn my sweet doll)

Just like that sweet spanish doll

(sweet spanish sweet spanish...doll)

A memory guilded in red and gold
Spanish doll: del oro (of gold also pain)
Beauty guarded and never sold
Spanish doll: cuida me (protect me)
I keep it with me wherever I go
And I love you still
No matter how a story will unfold
Spanish doll: requerda me (remember me)
You know I always will
Have part of you here
In this souvenir
This sweet spanish doll

A stranger in this world without you
Is all that I can ever be
All I know thats pure and clear
You left it with me here
In this souvenir
This sweet spanish doll