so sad.
been crying for a while.

but hey, that's nothing new, right? i don't seem to post when i'm happy.
oh wait, i did... and it all went to hell anyways.

i'll be fine. i was ok most of the day and evening.
i only knew him for 6 months, only dated since the January.

it gets a bit much at like 8 or 9pm though.
especially when you decide to clear out photos because you find them of your ex on your phone and computer because you forgot they were there.
and you don't want to go to bed alone because you'd rather someone be there.

i wish he hadn't said all those amazing things.
he told me once when we went to bed that he didn't want to fall asleep, because being awake with me was so much better than dreaming.  And he wanted to be a big part of my happiness.  and that i was gorgeous.  and he missed me all the time.

maybe i'm just an idiot.  OH, but what else is new.......
Boy finds Jenn, boy makes Jenn happy, boy leaves Jenn, Jenn sad.  Repeat.

I don't think I'd want to listen to this drivel either.  So this might be my only post.  Because I'm sure no one cares and I'm sure it's all been said before. 
And I'm going to try to not really fucking care this time around.  Or maybe I just won't tell anyone.

I guess i'm just so... disappointed.  SO disappointed.  and it just happened so fucking fast.

and there are so many break ups right now. springtime isn't too good this year.

it sucks when you want a big hug and you used to get them all the time. and your cat won't even cuddle when you want him to.
and you think you were doing awesome a few months ago, but it's like 3 steps forward, 5 back.

maybe i'll just go to bed. have a 3-hour tattoo session tomorrow that i don't know how i'm going to pay for.

anyways. maybe a little something to silly things up a bit....

"i am having withdrawals from your awesomeness. Can I see you tonight?"
teehee.

So good to see you.
I've missed you so much.
So glad it's over.
I've missed you so much.
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running away?
Came out to watch you play.
Why are you running?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6hYe6FbA60

i had a dream that i went to my grandfather's funeral.
he wasn't in a casket, he was on a large table, and they cut him out of a plastic bag for viewing.
his eyes were open. they were very, very blue.
and he seemed very small.
and he moved; like he wasn't comfortable.

blech.

dave was supposed to be there, but he was out grocery shopping. something he hates to do.
dad was there, i think, but i never saw him.
i think i was standing with heather when the bag was opened.
and we had to climb so many flights of stairs to get to the viewing room, even though it was just in a small church, i think. with lots of dark woodwork.


so then newton woke me up 3 times last night so now i'm up. i was up at 730, gross.
migraine too, but waiting for the meds to kick in.

Cradle of Filth will be here January 16th. anyone want to go? It's unfortunately a Sunday...
or maybe it's Feb 16. i'll have to check.

Also I've found a good show, called Sherlock. It's on BBC and it's based on Sherlock Holmes' cases from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle... but set in present-day London. It's pretty cool. Watson is an Afghanistan war vet with PTSD. And apparently I have a thing for British guys. It's kind of driving me mental at the moment. I won't get into it, but a few things really reminded me of Dave... boooo! Still, a good show :)

So, Birks takes gold, but not the stones.
I'm wondering if it would be better selling the jewellery on Kajiji or something. Perhaps I'll have to do some research.
I certainly know I'll NEVER get the amount I want for them, but oh well.

 

i am not looking forward to christmas.
i'm really, really not looking forward to christmas.
last year's was so nice. same with new year's.
i just get filled with a sense of dread and loneliness.
holidays are hard.

i've started cipralex. i'm just overlapping my meds now.
i'm having a bit of a panic issue but i'm sure it'll go away.
could cry and hyperventilate at the drop of a hat.
but i'm on low doses of everything so maybe that's it.

kind of got ditched yesterday night. good times.
foot hurt today.
got some good Newton snuggles though.

i can't seem to get enough sleep. even with the extra hour last night.

my brain is working overtime.
maybe it's also because i can't really do much with a fractured foot.
it's aggravating, to say the least :P

i posted an entry on facebook about what i've been thinking about.
i guess i don't understand why people are afraid of love, or whatever.
how people can't see it. even though everyone craves it and needs it.
why someone wouldn't do everything to have it. instead of just giving up.

i know i have a lot here at home.
there's just something missing. and i know what i need.
and i'm not stupid or needy or desperate.
i guess what i need isn't matching up with the universe.

.........

with cutbacks at work it's doubtful there will be a holiday party for Cardiology unless we make our own plans.
it's sad that we can't even get money to celebrate the end of the year.
or christmas, or whatever.
you have people working overtime all the time, dealing with abuse and cutbacks and patients in hallways and not enough staff and not being allowed to take vacation because of a lack of staff....
and the AHS won't even pay for a party for them.
understandable, i suppose, but also very disappointing.