i am tired. i am so fucking tired.

some days i wonder if my anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds are working at all.

every minute is different. but some minutes last longer than others.

So as some of you know, I've been in counseling since my world crumbled into a million pieces back in April. It's been helping me get through so I don't slice my wrists or something horrible, and we've started trying to find out who I am and how to work on my negativity and bitterness and resentment and anger ... and where I want to be in life, now that my life and future is unrecognizable and confusing and at times fractured and very frightening.

We talked today about "ontological givens." They include the following:
Acceptance (inner acceptance)
Belonging (feeing an attachment to people)
Competence (how to conduct yourself in the world)
Equity (a feeling of being treated fairly)
Identity (purpose in life)
Security (feeling safe physically and emotionally)
Significance (a sense of value)
Transcendence (a spiritual meaning)

Although all of it took a huge beating over the last 10 months, the two that I said I needed the most help with at the moment was Identity and Significance.

I've always wanted to make people happy. That doesn't mean that I'm a "people pleaser" but sometimes the boundaries are extremely fuzzy. This did not help me in the last year. It can also be seen as being a pushover, a weak individual who just does what everyone else wants.

I've realized that I don't feel needed anymore. I don't have a purpose in life anymore, because my future has been taken away, my belief of what was to come in my life has been erased. I need to be needed. I need to know that I matter to someone, to a group or to a society. That I am important and I can make a difference in someone's life.

This got me thinking. One of the reasons why I am so into military history is the social factor. I've dreamed (perhaps foolishly) that I could go somewhere like this and help people. To make them feel a bit better after their lives have come crashing down around them. It doesn't affect soldiers and their families anymore. It affects neighbours, schools, entire towns and countries.

Now, I certainly don't want to go anywhere and get abducted, raped and then get my head cut off.

But perhaps in order for me to feel needed... I need to do something a bit different. Volunteer in a soup kitchen. Volunteer at the Emergency Women's Shelter. Be a Big Sister. Read and talk to old War Veterans. If I had a house I'd consider fostering kittens. (though I'd probably just end up adopting all of them and becoming a crazy cat-lady.)

I'm certainly not ready to go to Fiji and work in an orphanage, or take a year and re-build Haiti or feed refugees in the Sudan... (well, I'd certainly want to feel safe whilst helping people, to a degree...) but the thought was always there. I'm not a nun, I'm not a Christian Missionary... but I think I could do it. I know I could do it. I know many people who think I'd be a great Social Worker or Nurse... but I'd have to be prepared to feel the mental anguish that goes with broken people and broken lives.

Maybe I could go travel somewhere far away and help. I'd have to quit my job... or do short-term work somewhere for a few months, that could work... but I'd still have work issues and money issues.

But starting off small might be a good idea for me. I need to be needed. I need to feel that I'm making a difference in someone's life. I don't feel that anymore at the hospital. I used to, but now the feeling of entitlement has overcome many people when asking for Health Care.

I just want to be needed. I don't know where to start.

I miss you.

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

I am at home today.
Migraine and nausea and it throbbed when I moved... plus some icky belly... not a great way to start a Wednesday. I'm choked though because I have soooo much work to do.
Migraine is ok now but as always with the really bad ones, I feel like hell.
I had a couple drinks last night but I was driving, so it's not a hangover thing. The weather is changing, it's supposed to be cold on Friday, but who knows. I've given up trying to figure out where my migraines all come from.

I've got a lot on my mind as of late. It's rather torturous, actually. Having a tortured brain and soul and trying to figure out what to do with them... I'll have a lot of things to think about, a lot of decisions to make in the next few months.  I hate it.  I really fucking hate it.  I'm going day to day, even if it looks like my life is looking up, there's still a million thoughts running around in my head.

The next Crimson Event "FETCHI" will be good. J asked if I was going. So I don't know if it's going to be really awkward or uncomfortable or what. He didn't answer when I asked him if he was going. It's at a hotel, so I'm getting a room with rivetgirl242 , because it'll be cheaper than getting a cab ride home. We sure could play up the fact that we're too women going to a Crimson Event and getting a room. hahahhahaa.  Too bad she's married!!  *wink* At least I have my gorgeous and very sexy PVC dress to wear.  rowr.  I suppose I could do the Antoinette wig, but I might save that for another time.

Website...

i have a very large and very strange looking bruise on the inside of my arm, from where i saved myself from falling on my ass... while roller skating.

yes, roller skating.

it's blotchy and all blood-vessely on the inside, with a nice blue/purple ring on the outside.

i vastly improved over the evening, but i still suck at roller skating. but, i did have a good time.

Happy birthday, nimonic ! please don't get subdermal  to post anything too awful. i know how many photos were taken of me flailing wildly about.

it's also J's birthday today. it's an odd and empty feeling not celebrating it.

\typing on a \british \keyboard sucks. \\all the keys are wonky and in the wrong spots, and dammed if \i can ever find the " button#

soooo tired. so fucking tired.
my brain is made of split pea soup.
confused, fucked up and knocked around.

well, that's not a good way to describe pea soup.
maybe my brain is made of white trash hookers :P

i miss this show....

God, I can't wait until this year is over.

I'm going to Vero for a 3-course NYE meal (YUMMM) and then we'll be heading over to Chimera. Hopefully we can get in before it hits max capacity.

Unfortunately I probably won't be wearing my new PVC dress, as it might be frowned upon at Vero. It's not... um... appropriate.


This was the worst year of my life. Midnight tonight will be quite the moment for me, I think.

It is Xmas eve. I might just be ordering in Pizza if Spiro's is open.

I took D skiing at Nakiska today. It's not a fantastic hill, but he's never been. And it's close to town and it was pretty empty. We'll do a few more ski hills before he leaves.

This year was the worst of my life. But it has the potential to end on a high note... or a sour note. I am not sure what to be more afraid of.

J even tex'd me asking if I was planning on skiing when I"m off work for these 3 weeks. I'm sure the only reason was so he'd know if there's a chance of seeing me during his ski trip.

Xmas is odd. Everyone knows it's supposed to be about love and friendship and the greater good of man, but it's not. And that's what makes me sad this time of year.

I really want this year to end on a high note. I hope it does.

Xmas tomorrow with 12 other people at my sister's home with Dresden. It should be good. I'm not sure still how tomorrow will go... it shall be interesting with what's going on in my noggin at the moment.

Merry hoho, to all my bitches. I love all of you. Thank you for keeping me alive.

Dresden Xavier (or Zavier,,, not sure...) 7 lbs, 10 oz healthy baby boy.

I didn't have to drive her to the hospital; Phil got home by the time I got to my car. Heather thought I'd have to drive her because of all the ice and snow, and i was the closest one to her house, and phil was on the other side of town.

So Colleen and I ended up at the Ship and Anchor and got the call about 30 minutes ago.
It happened pretty fast, but she had been having cramps since 4am, but it didn't intensify until around 230-3pm. She popped around 730pm.

So this weekend might entail Baby Oogling rather than xmas shopping, but that's ok

Only grandmother and grandfathers are allowed in the post-baby unit, so unfortunately, even though i work there, i won't be able to see them,

but at least i'll be able to send them flowers and a toy or perhaps a Onesie!

Heather is doing great, Phil sounds ecstatic.

papers signed tonight.
i don't know whether i want to die...
or be looking forward to the good that can come of it.
i'm making an effort to choose the latter.